well, it's been a while.
last time i was online this late i was slogging through the long-gone terrors of a h3 paper almost literally
crying after every sentence i typed. well, that's done, i seems a long time ago really, and thank God so much indeed, after pulling 3 <3h nights in a row the
entire weekend leading up to the math paper (in which i positively died), sleeping at 7am waking up at 8am for church on
the sunday before the math paper, etcetc, it was done, handed in, and out of my sight forever. whatever grade i get (am pretty certain it's a non-distinction), i'll be happy with it, cause ultimately it's God's will and i'll get what i deserve.
as for math, that can um, jump over the raililng. whatever, 'll be glad if i
pass, shall just hope for the best for my other 3 subs.
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more than anything, i want
company now. i don't know where to find it, half the world's having bio/chem paper(s) in about 5h from now, and the rest of the world who's done with papers, like myself, is well, not online/within reach.
i'm having a very irresistable craving for kimchi cup noodles.
and this sudden, unmistakable urge to cry. what about, who knows??
i wish i had a sibling to stay up and eat cup noodles with me.
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i remember not even doing a proper catch-up post after CT2, about 2 1/2 months back. wonder why, perhaps i didn't see/feel the need to then; there was nothing that pressing at that point in time - which is a good thing i suppose.
as for now, i know there's been a very heavy something(s) oppressing upon my head for as long as i can remember and i'm glad for the opportunity to get it off at last - at least
for now.
and i find it strange how i'm so terrifically awake at this hour - shouldn't i be exhausted from the proceedings of the day? woke up early, chiong-mugged Heart of Darkness and Gatsby and a meagremeagre bit of Owen all the way till the paper (which was unexpectedly rather good thankGod(: ), went around school doing random stuff, went window-shopping in Ion with michy claire kuoying louis seb. that was my day, pretty exciting huh(:
don't know how i'm gonna occupy my time over the next 1 1/2 weeks; planning dates with lots of people, going for dance classes, writing, reading, NATURE WALKS, etc. and of course, the inevitable IS, SATS mugging and uni apps will beckon soon enough. but for now, i am determined to give myself a self-proclaimed well-deserved break after about a term of hardcore typing research essays and mugging.
tha's for now.
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over the last few weeks i've come to realise there're a great many things i miss about my life before this year. perhaps, even before entering JC.
like basketball.
i miss the overseas trips, the late-night talks we had - both the fun hangout ones where we gathered in someone's room either to snack, eat cup noodles, play Blitz (omw blitz!), talk nonsense, watch rubbish shows or all of the above, and the ultra-emo batch talks we were forced to have on certain trips as well.
i miss the bus rides where we played stupid games like howmanymehmehjumpoverthewall (:P), stopped at random highway convenience stores to stock up on water/snacks/milk/any random fooooood, the waffles at that JB stopover as well - that place with pirated cds and such, and the abhorrently filthy toilets.
i miss, just
talking to my teammates. one on one. sharing ipods or engaging in simply, comfortable light-hearted chats.
and going places with yall, taking stupid photos, laughing at the most banal of jokes...
the last full batch trip we had was in sec4 if i remember rightly? not even the school trip, but the short admiralty one to JB in june...the one where we stayed next to a river or sea or something like that. where we saw real houses on stilts in water. and where we had ahemahem germaine belting out his infamous
One Night in Beijing(:
yea, i really miss overseas trips. ultimate bonding experiences.
and of course, i miss playing too. the feel of the ball, the court, the adrenaline rush, the glory; i don't miss playing ball
per se as much as i miss playing
with yall."ah well, it's all over now." (Marlow, HOD)
and nothing's gonna bring it back.
i miss dancing.
and i wish i was a lot better at it.
singing, too.
haven't led/co-led in church for more than a month now, and my break's all the way till after A's...rather strange and perhaps (in the spirit of all the lit we've been drowning ourselves in recently) ironically, about a week after i finish my last paper i have to begin immediately - after a 3mth break from worship - planning for the worship segment of youth camp. and camp is 2 days after prom; 1 day after the sunday which is after prom (ie i prolly won't get any sleep and might not even go to church - yet there'll prolly be comm meeting), and camp is 5 days long - the longest we've ever had yet.
talk about splendid timing;
but God will provide(: and i am really rather excited about this year's camp. new approach, new focus, new aims. am eager to see how it'l turn out(:
i miss new zealand too; miss it like
crap. much as it didn't turn out as awesome as i would've liked (but it
was awesome in other unforeseen ways, though), the experience was surely not one to forget. i can't even begin to describe/explain what made it so good, i suppose it had a large part to do with being away from the reality of what was back in singapore at that time..
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it disturbs me, how accustomed i have become to shutting out all thoughts as these under the excuse of practicality, efficiency, productivity. our lives
do indeed revolve around studying now, don't it? and what choice have we?
i can still feel the need for all those HOD/TGG quotes spilling all over my head fighting to splay out on paper. heh. quoting is fun(:
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recently i've learnt quite a lot about
trust. just yesterday morning my mum reminded me about an incident waaaaay back when i was still in kindergarten when i "broke my promise" to my cousin who wanted so badly for me to stayover at our grandma's with him. i agreed with him, though feeling a nagging sense of reluctance - because back then, i found it difficult to fall asleep in unfamiliar environments. anway, that reluctance got the better of me and just as the night came along, i called up my parents to fetch me home, cause i was just
too darn afraid of a stayover. my cousin spent the night crying and according to my mum, he "never took my word for anything again."
that happened to us when we were kids - of age 5 or 7 at most.
it could work both ways. one, that the breaking of such a seemingly trivial promise was ultimately innocuous, and my cousin's childish naivete could easily be re-built in another incident. or two, the fact that he "never trusted me again" shows something of a substance within even the most innocent of child-like hopes, doesn't it? that i could actually shatter the "infinite capacity for hope" of a child is testament to the the destructive power of the simplest of broken promises.
alright, perhaps i am "overdoing the incident", as mrs perry has commented on my prac crit before. i probably am, or at least glamming it up with my descriptions; but the thought of it did sting in any case, especially at a time like this.
and my point is this. that trust takes a painfully long time to be built up, but can be completely torn down with just
one wrongdoing - one silly mistake, one careless act. and poof, there goes. (so much for all that.)
what am i to make of this -
am i perhaps more dishonest than i think or admit?
i don't want anyone to ever lose trust in me, honestly. it hurts, and it's really just a huge shame when it happens.
more crucially, i don't want ever to give anyone cause to lose their trust in me. never, never, ever.-----------------
at the end of all this, all i can say is,
i'm so tired...
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